ABC02 – The thickness of blood & water
Post #2 of my homebrew April blogging challenge. Words: approximately 700.
One proverb states that blood is thicker than water, to mean that family (blood) ties are stronger than other kinds of relationships, to suggest that family should take priority when a choice needs to be made.
In one of the more amusing developments in language and history, it turns out that an older version of the phrase proclaims: "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." It's a clear-cut 180° inversion, as it means there are some bonds that transcend the familial. Personally, I favour this perspective.
None of us choose our family. Yet each of us choose our friends, comrades, companions. In a world with over 8 billion people, I find it appealing that I can decide who to relate myself to, rather than to accept the automatic default assigned at birth. It's this notion of choice that makes friendships so meaningful.
Sure, some people have great families. Good for them. Yet it can be grating and patronizing when these people, oh so fortunate, exude their values for family onto others without acknowledging the Anna Karenina principle:
All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.
More often than not, families are dysfunctional. In my estimate, the dysfunction stems from feeling obligated to stick with family. The Chinese and other East Asian cultures deem filial piety a virtue. The ancient Romans regarded family as the chief unit of society. Across various histories and cultures, there is an implicit/imposed sense of duty to one's family. But what if this externally forced obligation creates tension with one's personal values?
Consider: if it weren't for being related to the people who make up your family, who would you want to spend time with? Suppose that you had full control over the guest list for your next Thanksgiving (or equivalent) gathering. Who would you want at the table? Maybe you have that stereotypical relative with views that contrast your own to the point of discomfort. You don't have to invite them. In which case, if you aren't inviting them to an annual dinner, would you seek to be around this person(s) at other times of the year (if it were up to you)? I doubt it.
From what I've observed in my 30+ years of living: family is a conduit for social values. There's a reason why conservatism regards Family Values as important. But the actual substance of those values is often vague (yet perpetuates us-versus-them distinctions). To call for Family Values is to exert compliance and adherence to one's family and to stifle questioning and criticism. This of course benefits the ruling class of such societies, because the status quo involving aggregate values is maintained.
I'm not a sociologist, but it seems to me that one distinction between liberal and conservative families is how they might function as echo chambers. The former tends to be open-minded and allows for its members to explore identities, life paths, perspective-taking, etc. whereas the latter tends to be more restrictive of exploration and judgmental towards non-traditional concepts. I'm painting with broad strokes, of course, but nonetheless, my points are that (a) love, respect, and duty towards one's family are valuable to the extent that they are freely given, rather than coerced or demanded; and (b) not every relative will be able to relate to you, but every friend you have comes with some level of fondness.
In my own family, I'm only close to my mom. In addition to loving her, I like her. I'd go for coffee with her even if we weren't related. But my father and siblings? If we weren't related, I doubt I'd choose to be around them. It's not that they're bad people, it's just I know we have different beliefs and values, and it's terribly draining to have what I think, say, or do be misconstrued by those who do not understand me. Contra my friends, who don't just understand my inner workings—they appreciate them (even when I can be irritating!).
I'm set to meet up with several friends tonight for board games and food. Although life has its ups and downs, when I'm with my people I forget my troubles. My worries are suspended and I can find joy in living in the moment. This in turn motivates me to strive for better. They're the family I've chosen for myself (and no, I didn't have to take blood oaths).