Books and ego death: Part II
I wrote a post a few hours ago about decluttering my personal library and what it means for my ego. I suggested that letting go of attachments to possessions (particularly those that one collects the most, because that's indicative of what matters to them) is akin to a spiritual exercise.
I know that sounds lofty, but I stand by it. Between that post and this one, I prepared for my upcoming KonMari/tidying session by grouping my books into topics. And then it occurred to me, the topics are exactly the aspects of myself that I want(ed) to cultivate in myself. They reveal my curiosities, values, and aspirations.
To commemorate my impending ego death, I'd like to note the topics and to reflect on the source of my interest in them. This may prove useful in guiding my choices on what to keep and not, but it's also an interesting way to reflect on what my ego is driven by. That sort of self-knowledge seems important to learn.
Here are the categories of topics (in order of what was arranged in physical piles, so no real order at all!), along with brief commentary:
- politics and truth: to understand how the media shapes collective thought; to learn what a 'post-truth' society looks like; collected as a reaction to Covid-19 and discourses in American politics, to inoculate myself from being tricked
- money and investing: to have a better handle on personal finances and how to invest; collected during the early years of my career; since then, I've learned to keep finances simple and to not try to be smarter than the market—ah, it's one of the things I can add to my list of what life is too short for
- writing: to improve my craft and to learn from established authors about the creative life; by far my largest collection of works; collected during the pandemic era before I went back to school because I aspire to write a series of novels; since returning to school, I've learned that there's an overlap when it comes to discipline and focus between creative writing and academic writing; like the topic of investing, this is an aspect I should simplify and not romanticize
- strategy and decision-making: to learn how to be more effective with decisions; reflects what I enjoyed most when I studied business in university; transferable to board games
- world mythology: inspirational material for the novels I aspire to write; probably don't need to keep these because material is available online
- academic references and textbooks: books that I would display on my shelf to show off my interests; unnecessary since I've grown comfortable with digital sources for citations; there's only a handful of books where I have marginalia inscribed—letting go of most in this category would go a long way in disrupting my ego's need to be perceived as smart
- Greek and Roman culture: as a guy, I am obligated to think about the Roman Empire on a regular basis; no but actually there's stuff here that I am excited to get back into
- Arthurian legends and romances: my fascination with knights and chivalry has existed since childhood; like Greek and Roman culture, I think this category is worthy of keeping to honor that inner child
- Eastern religion and Stoic philosophy: works collected based on my desire to be enlightened, philosophically and spiritually; my recent engagement with the Bhagavad Gita through my e-reader suggests these texts actually need to be read and not displayed to get the most use out of them; likely to remove from my physical library and approached via my e-reader so that such meditations are kept private and not shown off
- Design and typography: books on typography and art, collected during the pandemic era; there's no direct or immediately obvious connection between this domain and what I work on or study, but the principles of thoughtfulness and intentionality are very much appreciated; I'm inclined to keep these because I get joy from seeing them
- Chess: a collection that started circa 2022 when I got into chess; based on a desire to improve my game and thinking, which is based on the broader desire of showing off my intelligence; as it's a hobby I want to maintain throughout my life, I'm inclined to keep these (also because the figures are easier to decipher in physical books than in digital)
- Behavioural psychology: like several other categories, these books reflect a desire to understand how the mind works, in order to optimize it; but I fully admit: I don't touch these books! It's clearly a pretentious show on my part
- Borges and other works of Latin American literature: perhaps my favourite author, and a genre I developed an interest in during the pandemic era; perhaps it's time I stop exploring what's out there and enjoy what I know I enjoy in literature; Borges, Cortázar, Bolaño, the Ocampo sisters ... some part of me feels I've neglected them for too long, and that I've done myself harm each time I pass them by; like Greek and Roman culture, Arthurian legends, and chess, this is a collection that I have genuine interest in
- David Foster Wallace and Salman Rushdie: collected for their essays and not their works in fiction; I recall enjoying reading DFW in university, while I'm curious about Rushdie's thoughts given his experiences as an author; I have to discern how much of this joy and curiosity is based on ego, and how much is genuine
- Sourcebooks for D&D: for one of my favourite hobbies; if keeping books is based on joy sparked, this one is safe
Apologies for the scattered remarks between semi-colons. They were products of a stream of consciousness, and I didn't want to self-censor. It's there now in front of me: my ego's relationship to these physical artefacts. Some are based on passions and interests and should be nurtured. Others are retained due to an attachment to a desired lifestyle or perception of the self, and should therefore be questioned.
I imagine that my life will feel lighter both physically and emotionally once I declutter this library. I remind myself that just because I remove them in the week ahead, does not mean I cannot read them at some future point. I then of course remind myself that that's a comfortable lie—hey, whatever it takes to clear away the burdens of my ego. What should matter most is honoring my interests, and to let go of what others think of me based on the contents of my book shelves.