Naming what I am up against
So, what am I trying to save my soul from?
As with many matters in life, it's never just one thing.
First: seasonal affective disorder. I live in Canada and the reduced daylight—with the time change last month—has me feeling gloomy and lethargic. It's depressive, even though I know it's a phase.
Second: I've started a job search, having spent a while focused on school. Alas, the job market isn't looking good, and this is my first search since the proliferation of artificial intelligence. A job search usually makes me feel anxious given the uncertainty. This time around it feels worse.
Third: I'm still finishing up school, and my perfectionistic tendencies are a serious barrier to academic writing. It's frustrating because I know what needs to get done but I get in my own way by overthinking.
Fourth: In 2025 I met my muse and she's inspiring me to try in life, but she lives in another province and has expressed a preference to keep things academic between us (i.e., there's no avenue to get to know each other beyond the projects we're working together on). I can respect her preferences and feel bummed about it all the same.
Fifth: about two weeks ago I had my first weed-induced anxiety attack. It was nauseating and I felt helpless, and in the midst of that episode I had an epiphany that a lot of my problems stem from not having a good father figure. I haven't consumed since. Instead, I've been processing what that realization entails. Drawing on Jungian psychology, I've accepted the idea that I have to "self-father" to make up for not having that presence in my life. I have to develop the right level of confidence in my abilities and awareness of my shortcomings (for over- or under-estimating either leads to problems). I also have to learn to be self-validating, and to stop seeking approval from the external world.
In short: there's a lot on my mind during my waking hours these days. My hope for this blog is to have a space where I can process and make sense of my life so that I can get unstuck.
Don't worry: in this post, I named my woes, but I've been keeping them at bay with a few strategies and tactics. I look forward to writing about them, too.