Scholarch's Blog

Pausing this blog

I'm taking a break from blogging.

To recap:

  1. I started this blog last December to process my life
  2. I found solace in spirituality, Stoicism, shoegaze, and simplicity
  3. I began to notice my shortcomings and desired to work on them
  4. I, on a whim, challenged myself to write a daily post in April, going through the first week all right but then lost steam

What happened? Somewhere between points 3 and 4, I tricked myself. I identified what I needed to work on, and then diverted my attention elsewhere. I turned what was supposed to be an aid (blogging) into the solution. My mind wants to avoid the real challenges that have surfaced, as some events have made apparent.

First, in hanging out with two friends yesterday, we talked about my love life and my tendency to "work on myself" to the possible risk of neglecting others. It's not that I'm selfish, they grant; rather, it's that I am too hard on myself. Instead of putting people on a pedestal, I put myself down. These friends are dear enough to me that I take what they said to heart and serious consideration.

Second, in decluttering my digital files, I've realized that my past self already figured out much of life by way of naming aspirations. He had an attitude that I respect, and deep down I feel like I'm letting us both down.

So it seems to me that blogging can be a distraction, like any hobby. There's no shortage of blog posts on here that encourage others to write, as if blogging was some great cure. (I admit, I contributed to this by framing it as a way to save my soul.) I've come to treat this idea with suspicion, however. Each time I write something, I add to the overall noise of my life, reinforcing thought patterns. Yet it seems that the signal I want to send out is already something I was attuned to, so all the effort is one part of my mind re-affirming what another has already concluded.

This is why one of my pet peeves when I peruse the Discovery feed are certain individuals who write the same blog post over and over. Different title, different anecdote, but the same thesis. It's unoriginal and doesn't ever leave the comfort zone. An irony of life is that one's pet peeves can reflect the aspects of themselves that they aren't happy with; case in point: I can only write so many posts about simplifying some aspect of my life, or of wanting to find joy. At some point, merely writing about it takes away from efforts to simplify and to enjoy.

As for what my friends said? If I keep blogging about working on myself, I can feel good about myself every time I publish. But it won't ever end: unlike a novel or a movie, blogging doesn't have a narrative end. So it really can be a channel that one puts their energy to, its own dopamine-dispensing mechanism. Consequently, I neglect aspects of my life like my relationships, and that might create friction or tension that's blog-worthy, thus reinforcing the cycle.

It's a form of blasphemy to critique the value of blogging on a blogging platform. But calling an idea blasphemous and shutting it down results in echo chambers. Against that end, I'm here to say:

These are questions with answers that are unique to individuals. For me, I'm curious about what it would mean to truly engage with Blaise Pascal's observation:

All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.

His quote is from the 1600s. The Internet did not exist then. So, even though I'm in my room alone and writing this blog post, I'm still allowing my thoughts to take hold and to avoid the confrontation with the self. Especially under the guise of a writing challenge, which creates a sense of an endeavour that is artificial, when there exists others in my life that are more worthy of attention.

So, yeah, I'm pausing activity on this blog, and dusting off my old journal. Writing remains my preferred method of making sense of life, but writing in public does something to my consciousness that triggers the drive to perform. Writing in private is what I need.

I mused a few days ago about heroes retreating in order to train. That there's a period (sometimes to the tune of years) that's needed so that the hero becomes ready to do their duty. I wondered if such choices created feelings of guilt or hesitation.

I think I have an answer for myself now. It feels crappy in the moment to hold back. Call it FOMO, call it letting others down, etc. But if I don't take this time for myself, then I'll feel even crappier later. The sooner I can quell my inner demons, the sooner I can do what it is I'm meant to do in this life.

Festina lente.