Scholarch's Blog

Remarks on having talent and seeking validation

This is my first attempt at being more communicative and in community with other bloggers on this platform. I explain why in my previous post.

Here, I respond to:

To tuesday's child: I was struck by your admission of not being good at anything. You presented a list of evidence, and say you're "surrounded by craftsmen, artists, musicians and athletes," against whom you are mediocre at best. I see that you're 23, and that you believe the 'I don't fit in' mentality is supposed to be gone. I don't know you, but I recall having similar thoughts when I was in my early 20s (circa a decade ago). If I could go back in time, I would ask younger me where this 'supposedness' comes from. Where's the rulebook that says a person must figure out X by age Y? I also recall attaching notions of success to visible attainment (like awards and recognition, as you do in your examples). What I've learned is that awards can be obtained by awful people: they cheat, they're cruel, they're not people one wants to be friends with. They have talent in a given domain, but they're not worthy of admiration. So, awards themselves are no indication of character.

Talent is only a small slice of what it means to be a person, let along a "good" person. Are you a good listener? Do you have a certain way of solving problems? Do you enjoy your sense of style/aesthetic? A perusal of your uses gives me the impression that you enjoy things for their own sake, and that you are not swayed by following trends that so many are susceptible to—that's quite rare for someone in their 20s. (Really, when you say you have an "i dont care what others think about me" attitude, I congratulate you for figuring that piece so early, because some people who are decades older than you still haven't had the a-ha moment.) I encourage you to think of qualities you admire in people, beyond the terms of accomplishment, because those are traits you can cultivate in yourself. (Which is my suggestion on how to transform your immense care of how you think about yourself into a drive.) The really important things in life are not measured in competitions.

And for what it's worth, the word "amateur" is rooted in the French "one who loves." This is a reminder that doing something out of love (say, for a hobby) is distinct from doing something as a professional. The latter requires talent and skill to be successful, sure, but the amateur in anything is by default successful if they pursue that thing out of love, curiosity, and enthusiasm. No talent necessary.

This relates to what Nik posted. First, welcome to Bearblog! (As a fellow millennial, your first post resonated with me, in that I've had to come to terms with my own limitations and shortcomings lately, and that like you, I do not see this as a tragedy, but as a form of clarity. The idea of leading a 'ronin lifestyle' is one I've had myself recently and I found it amusing to come across it in the wild.) I connect your first post with tuesday's child's because the theme of seeking validation is common. It's a truism that we all want our lives to have significance, right? I see in your second post that you extend this exploration, dealing with the tension of not wanting to monetize a creative activity on the one hand, with wanting to be perceived as being good at something on the other.

I think we millennials navigate the world with interesting affordances. For one, we're the last generation that had an upbringing without being always connected. This window differs depending on when you were born, but I personally got my first phone when I was 15 or 16, and my first smartphone when I was around 22. For another, we grew up having to learn how to be bored (which has correlation with creative problem solving). This means that, for the rest of our lives, we will always have a sense of dissonance/skepticism with how technology shapes modern living, because we experienced what it was like, during pivotal years of youth, to do without technology. So, by taking up the act of blogging (or social media more generally), there's this sense of wanting to be purposeful in use, without making it anything more than that (contra today's influencer culture, or even the notion of being a YouTube star years ago). I argue that it's a healthy relationship to technology, as that friction we feel is actually a defense.

I look forward to more of your writing, and hope my response doesn't put you under a microscope, which I gather is the last thing you wanted when you started your blog! It's probably the price of admission for having a place where we can freely express our thoughts.

Which is what William Parker does well in his reply to tuesday's child. To William: reading that tuesday's child's post could have been one of your LiveJournal posts from 20 years ago made me chuckle. Because you're dating yourself as older than me, and so we now have representation of feeling talentless/insignificant/invisible across three decades. There's something oddly comforting about that; I feel less alone in my own feelings of inadequacy. I agree with you: time eventually teaches us that most people are faking it. I see it when I attend meetings, or have heart-to-heart chats with friends. I recently discovered that someone I knew was unhappy with their career, didn't really stick with their hobbies, and had a rocky family life. Appearances really can be deceiving, because I thought this person had so much of their life figured out! Once you recognize the smoke and mirrors, it's liberating. It's a reminder that, hey, this is everyone's first go at living life and that no one is playing New Game+. Sure, different lives have different starting points (privileges, handicaps, etc.) but no one has access to the entire game's walkthrough; it's written as one goes.

And yes: I also concur with you that Tuesday's post is well-written, which reinforces my sense that she's done a lot of introspection. It's not a talent that earns trophies, but a talent it nonetheless is.

Your remark that feeling average is "simply evidence that you are paying attention" is timely for my own life. Just today I asked colleagues if I come across as abrasive, and they remarked that by merely asking, I have a disposition that is non-abrasive. Not to say I don't ever lose my cool, but it's supremely ironic that those who do this self-reflection innoculate themselves from the things that worry them. I look forward to reading more of your posts.