Remarks on self-love, Part II
The first of this two-part post outlines my defense of self-love. This follow-up describes my plan to enact love for myself.
In short: I'm retreating from society for a while. For as much as I practically can, at any rate, in our capitalist world.
The world is increasingly anxious, greed is rampant, and the Internet (where I typically find solace) is under siege by AI slop and government overreach (see: age verification discourse in 2026). There's too much noise and the speed of information is overwhelming. Everywhere I turn to in the external world presents its own form of stress; I've concluded that turning inward is where I'll find solitude.
This was evinced recently when I stepped back from a volunteer commitment. It feels trivial now that it's been over a week, but I recall feeling so much of my ego attached to the work and my identity based on being accepted by others. I've felt a sense of liberation since my choice to walk away, and now wonder what it would mean to extrapolate this decision to more aspects of my life.
Sequester the Soul
I have my precursors. Siddhartha Gautama gave up his princely life and practiced asceticism before reaching enlightenment. Jesus spent 40 days in the desert, a period of fasting followed by temptation by the devil. In Chinese mythology, the Jade Emperor retreated to a mountain cave to cultivate his Tao through thousands of trials. Spiritual development requires a period of self-exile. Aside from religion and myth, even Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne had periods of training in their mythos, before becoming Superman and Batman, respectively. To become the person I want to be, I need my own chapter of disengagement from the society I want to improve.
Sabbatical from Service
For the ironic truth I've come to realize is this: I know what I'm meant to do, but I'm neither efficient or effective if I don't address what burdens me. As they say on flights, one should put on and secure their oxygen mask before tending to others, and right now my metaphorical oxygen mask is unstable and insecure.
In the short run, I cannot afford to give myself to serving others, even when my heart yearns to be that force for good. For I'm at that point in which serving others means running away from my immediate problems and thus harming myself in the long run.
This blog was always about finding ways to save my soul. In the last few months, I've realized that doing things entirely for myself is not selfish, but necessary. I need to enjoy my life so that I know what I'm protecting when authoritarian powers exert control.
Contra the examples I listed above, I'm neither hero nor saint. I'm a Chaotic Neutral Paladin with stubborn opinions, and my vitality and resolve depend on enjoying my own company. Shocker: I'm at my best when I enjoy the person I am, and it took lack of enjoyment to realize that. (This explains my defensiveness in my previous post.)
Substitutes
In my period of self-exile, I'm going to nurture my spirit (my own form of cultivating Tao lol) by doing things I know that I'll enjoy. There's no sense in depriving myself of these activities.
- shikantaza, or "just sitting still." It's a form of meditation that I've gravitated towards. No chants, no koans. Just sitting still to tap into feeling the present moment.
- stoicism, the learning and (more importantly) the practice of this philosophy which I find most agreeable. I've spent years appreciating the philosophy at an intellectual level, and want to use this period of retreat to put that knowledge to use in my daily life—not just when things go awry.
- Smallville rewatch. Its recent availability on Netflix made headlines and I've begun a rewatch. It was my favourite show growing up and with over 200 episodes, it'll be nice to get back into something comfortable.
- shoegaze. I'd like to explore the genre outside of the UK and the US. Asian and Latin American bands intrigue me. Hey, the genre treats obscure vocals as part of the whole wall of sound experience—I don't need to know a dang thing of what is said in lyrics to appreciate it!
Sitting in Silence to Know Myself
As I leave my early 30s behind, my decision to turn inward feels like a much-needed course correction. I spent the last 15 years in the service of others. It was good for my life, soul, development, etc. but I need a break from that lifestyle. On the one hand, it feels drastic to give myself permission to focus on just myself for a while. On the other hand, it sure feels good knowing I'm avoiding a midlife crisis by taking preventative measures. I'm half-joking.
I don't know how long this sojourn will take, nor do I plan to write much about it. I want this chapter to really be for myself, and that means keeping it private. I don't need my internal work to be showcased for it to count. To me, it would risk performativity and doing things for the wrong reasons. I also know the mistake that comes from thinking writing about something = doing something. I want real personal growth, not the meta-commentary about it.