Seeking: Input on relationships and career
I invite you, dear reader, to send me your thoughts on a predicament I'm currently facing. Note that I'm intentional about not seeking advice, but input. The distinction is simple: advice suggests you know me, my personality, life circumstances, thought processes, et cetera enough to form guidance. Let's not burden either of us with that presumption. Input, in contrast, is an invitation from me to you to describe how you would process the situation, informed by your own lived experiences. Now you're welcome to draw on the full breadth and depth of your life to inform my thinking, without the illusion that your response is my answer. Cool? Okay, so...
I have to make a choice between love in the form of a relationship, and career in the form of broader opportunities. That's the core issue. To elaborate:
Love entails the chance of building a life with my best friend. We met several years ago and she was in a relationship at the time. That relationship ended a couple months ago. We continue to hang out as we always have, but lately the premise of us dating has occurred to us both. I'm rather fond of the idea of spending my life with my best friend (and I mean this as a general principle, because friends, even best ones, come and go, but the idea of being with that person appeals to me). It's serendipity, because we established familiarity and trust over years outside of a romantic context. Now we have a foundation that could involve romance, and when I reflect on the romantic relationships that didn't work out for me in the past, a lot of it stems from not knowing the person as well as I should have before rushing into a relationship.
On that note, let me clarify more of my experience on this front, so that you, dear reader, get a sense of not just what I'm considering, but how. In total, across more than three decades of living, I've been "in a romantic relationship" for a total of... approximately nine months. That's across four relationships. This excludes time dating before Defining the Relationship™ because as a guy, I was veritably oblivious to times when hanging out meant something more (only learning well after the fact), and likewise, when it turned out that a date was nothing more than a hang out. I also exclude the dating period because, relevant to this current predicament, dating does not entail commitment. It's probably accurate to say that, despite my sparse résumé in terms of being a boyfriend, I am at least adept as a serial date.
I've known my best friend for circa four years. We've seen each other's ups and downs. And I know I'm not an outright commitment-phobe because I have put a lot of my time, energy, and self into maintaining this friendship. Alas, because of my lack of experience in romantic relationships, I cannot articulate what would make this relationship work or not. All I know is that I've been friends with this person longer than the totality of my other relationships, which should count for something, but I do not know to what extent.
If it helps to know: I've travelled with her, explored the city's food and coffee scene with her, cooked meals together, and had several sleepovers. No, not the adult kind. But the actual act of staying over at her place and sleeping on her couch. By all counts, this is someone I trust and enjoy spending time with.
The reason why we aren't proceeding is two-fold. First, her last relationship lasted more than five years. That's longer than our friendship, and it's just a long time to be with someone. She's still healing, and I'm of the opinion that spending time being single is a good way to know oneself. (I mentioned I've only been in relationships for an aggregate of nine months in my life—juxtapose me with someone who has only been single for nine months in adulthood!) The other reason is the main source of tension in my post: I'm called to leave my city to pursue career opportunities. I'm nearing the end of my formal education, and as an academic it'd be nice to find and set up a "home base" for my career soon. I'm tired of moving! Of packing! I want to work on my dream coffee setup and home office and splurge on quality furniture!
The job market is dire at the moment. Pragmatically, I improve my odds by casting a wider net. If I broaden my search to be Canada-wide, I'll have more options and therefore more access to positive outcomes. If I limit my search to what's within my city, that reduces my options. On the one hand, I'm comfortable moving away from my family and friends for my own development, for it's practically the theme of my life since my mid-20s. On the other hand, this time feels different because I think the number of "moves" I have left in my life are down to two or three, and even then I'd like them to be years apart.
I'm reminded of Achilles in the Iliad. He could have lived a long life (characterized by stability, love, comfort) or live a life of glory (characterized by heroism). Not that I'm equating myself to a mythical figure, but I view my career as my life path. Call it dharma, call it duty, call it a calling—it's all the same to me. I've been so accustomed to a life of independence, that I have found my purpose in what I do, not who I am with.
If it helps to know: my work in academia is largely based on a desire to strengthen education's link to democracy. These days, education is treated as a pathway to a career (ahh, the author notes the irony of this statement!), a focus on the economy and getting a job. This damages the fabric of society because it reinforces capitalism, pitting people against each other to make a smaller segment of society richer. We see in the U.S. how decades of framing education in this way renders society vulnerable. For my part, I want to defend democracy and improve society. Like I said, it's a calling.
And so it's with these two considerations that I seek input. On the one hand is a chance at personal fulfillment, and on the other is a chance to honor my sense of duty.
I feel there were a few times in my life when I could have pursued the relationship path and be happy. (Should I have, is a different matter.) But as I reflect on the progression of my life, I've learned to let go of those what-ifs and to accept the what-is. It's beyond my capacity to discern what-could-be at the moment, hence my search for input.
And so, if you are still with me, dear reader, I welcome your input at poeticknight@pm.me. Thank you for your time.